16 Very Strange Christmas Ornaments You Can Buy

Shiny baubles, stars, Santa, snowmen, and tinsel: If you’re tired of the same old Christmas ornaments, and want something that speaks to you or your loved ones personally, look no further.

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For: Anyone who is fabulous

“Santa Baby, slip yourself under the tree, for me.”

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For: the Yuletide Whipping Enthusiast

I think that this isn’t actually the Devil, but Krampus, the Christmas demon popular in Alpine regions. Krampus comes on Christmas and whips children before dragging them to hell in baskets. Or it may be the Devil. Either way, it’ll pose an interesting counterpoint to all those Christmas angels and jolly Santas on your tree.

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For: Your cousin who just read Atlas Shrugged

Santa is John Galt.

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For: Someone with a sick sense of humor

Think hard about this one. The last thing you need this Christmas is the insurgency of the super-intelligent mice in your house triggered by the cruel death of their cutest comrade.

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For: History buffs and nephews

You’re going to be amazed at your nephew’s sudden interest in Egyptian history this Christmas.

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For: Gardeners who also might enjoy skydiving

There is nothing worse than when an inanimate object becomes self-aware and must endure the rest of eternity locked in an expression of existential terror.

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For: The family black sheep who you affectionately call your “Drunkle.”

Hard times have reduced Santa down to a single reindeer, roller skates, and malt liquor.

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For: Grandmas who still love Burt Reynolds

This was a considered an aphrodisiac fertility symbol to our ancestors.

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For: Whichever family member best expresses themself through angry dolls

Normally, you’d only encounter this little soul-eater in your nightmares. But hang it from a tree and hey! Merry Christmas.

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For: Anyone not too hung up on historical accuracy—even mythical historical accuracy.

Greek gods might have conflicted feelings about hanging on a Christmas tree. Also, they wouldn’t know what a Christmas was. But neither would an anthropomorphic watermelon, so whatever.

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For: Whoever looks at their Christmas tree and says, “Needs more dead things.”

A little reminder that next year, you can leave your Tofurky back at your solar powered mud hut, hippie.

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For: Kids going away to college

Dad won’t always be able to keep an eye on you, but Genie can. And Genie thinks you’ve had enough Red Chair IPA.

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For: Grandpa, who was never the same after the war

Dolly has seen things. Awful, awful things.

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For: Whoever in your family thinks the holiday season is lacking in nasty little heads.

Who do you think would show more mercy? The sniggering pointy eared elves, or the dead-eyed blond elves? Trick question. Neither.

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For: The religious scholar

Among the different varieties that represent the heavenly host, there are the Seraphim, the Cherubim, and oft forgotten Cutie-patootie Bare Bumiam.

At time of writing, all ornaments were still available to buy.

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